bts: writing a mormon memoir

a brief interlude to shine a spotlight on the hot mess of being vulnerable online.

As I’m finishing the final installments of my Mormon memoir series I wanted to say thank you to my readers and offer my premium subscribers a peek into the behind the scenes of this project. I am so stoked to finally be writing consistently and sharing my work publicly. I’ve always wanted to be a writer and this series has given me the footing I needed to get my fingers back on the keyboard and my creative juices flowing. And the subject matter has given me the sheer audacity and drive to share my work online. 

One of my most precious life goals is to grow as a writer and continually improve my craft. This series is me pursuing that goal, accepting where I’m at now and ready to do the work. When I’ve completed my memoir series I will continue to write on substack- not always Mormon related but sometimes. I have a few posts in the works about my experience teaching high school + why I left; and my thoughts on cults, thought reform, shame, vulnerability, and deconstruction. And some fun, fluffier stuff too. I’d be ever so grateful if you followed along, if that’s your thing. And for those that support my work through a premium subscription, I will be writing periodic premium content out of a grateful heart for the support I have been given. This post is the first!

I initially started writing this Mormon memoir series at the urging of my therapist earlier this summer. After five years of deconstruction there was something holding me back from deeper healing and we identified it as the need to use my voice to speak publicly about how this organization has affected me. Stressing over the familial and social implications of publishing anything about the Mormon church has kept me silent for years but I’ve finally realized that keeping things inside in order to keep the peace was only hurting me.

Anyway. I started writing a simple blog post in July and it quickly turned into something much bigger as I reflected on the plentiful micro moments that molded me into the faithful Mormon person I was and then later into the complex, exmormon person that I am now. 

A simple blog post wouldn’t do, I was writing a memoir. I worked on it for a while but felt saddened that working on such an immense project would mean I wouldn’t be putting my voice into the world sooner. Hence the birth of this memoir series. A mini memoir! 

I’d love to, when I’m older, write a complex memoir of my life encompassing more than just my childhood religion. But for now, writing this series has been exactly what I needed. It’s given me healing, reclamation, and a boost of confidence as a budding writer.

Vulnerability is at the core of my work. I am endlessly fascinated by the ways in which the human mind can be convinced of absolute truth and project that distorted reality on every outlet: self image, relationships, worldviews, etc. I catch my brain doing it all the time and I drive myself crazy with it. I don’t think that is a trait unique to me, I’m starting to understand that that’s the condition of the human brain. I think my writing will always examine questions like, “what’s real?” “Why?” “What matters?” and “What’s helpful?” no matter the subject matter. 

A gift I’ve given to myself in the process of writing this series is the de-centering of the believing Mormon perspective. In fact, my very use of the word Mormon is emblematic of this choice. If my intention were to put myself in the good graces of the faithful, I’d never use the word Mormon. 

When I was a believing member, there was little to no problem with this word. But in 2019, after I’d left the church, the prophet Russel M. Nelson “revealed” to his followers that the colloquial use of the word Mormon is actually a victory for Satan and that members should refer to themselves as “members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints”. After this revelation was communicated, most church websites were wiped clean of this word.

The memes that circulated in the exmormon community during this time were great, especially the ones poking fun of the church’s high budget “I’m A Mormon” campaign in 2014 which included facebook profile templates, hashtag campaigns, and most notably, a film called “Meet The Mormons” that played in select movie theaters across the world.